Once upon a time in Nazi-occupied la-la land, there was a soldier, B.J. Blazkowicz, known for his rugged good looks and a five o'clock shadow that just wouldn't quit. But forget everything you knew about him because he's ditched the military digs for some snazzy civilian threads. That's right, folks! In the direct sequel to every 90's kid's favorite castle invasion simulation, "Return to Castle Wolfenstein," we find B.J. sporting a "disguise" that looks suspiciously like he's dressed up for a not-so-casual Friday.
In this action-packed nostalgia-fest, our hero B.J. channels his inner John Wick to take on the Nazis, but with a twist! The Third Reich has apparently been busy recruiting not just your run-of-the-mill Aryan poster boys, but also a veritable ninja warrior course of enemies. Yes, you heard that right: Nazi ninjas. Because when you're a megalomaniacal regime, why not add some James Bond villainy into the mix?
Arming himself with weapons that are more vintage boutique than state-of-the-art, B.J. romps through the levels blasting away with the good ol' reliable MP40 or the bolt-action magic of the K98 rifle. These trusty boomsticks send our feisty foes to the big bunker in the sky, but this isn't just your granddaddy's WWII action.
But wait, there's more! During what can only be described as an occult shopping spree, B.J. stumbles upon a medallion that's more accessory than jewelry. This mysterious trinket is like the Swiss Army knife of ancient artifacts. It has powers! You want to see through walls and sniff out the baddies? Check. Fancy deploying some eerie flying critters to go boom? You betcha. And when the going gets tough, B.J. can just channel his inner Neo and slow down time, wrap himself in an ethereal bubble, or turn his fists into sledgehammers. Because nothing says "fisticuffs" like knocking a Nazi into next week with a punch fueled by mystical energy.
Of course, nothing that cool comes without a catch. This medallion drinks power like a college student during happy hour, requiring B.J. to find power-spots that are sneakier than a Teflon-coated James Bond. These hotspots are elusive in the real world, much like the logic behind a Nazi ninja training program.
The whole affair is a heart-pumping, gun-toting roller coaster through a world where historical accuracy checked out at the title screen and went on a holiday. B.J. Blazkowicz does what B.J. Blazkowicz does best: kicking butts and not bothering with niceties such as names. It's a world where the only thing that matters is your ammo count, the sturdiness of your Lederhosen, and whether you've got enough juice in your magical medallion to turn the tide of World War II.
And while B.J.'s new look could very well pass for a Hollywood spy on a lunch break, his heart remains that of a one-man-army, dressed plainly but still fashionably enough to be the best-dressed guy in a gunfight. So, if you're in the market for a vintage war romp with a few fantasy twists, a parade of ninjas to plink at, and a plot that plays fast and loose with the phrase "historical fiction," then chalk up another point for B.J. and his time-stopping, ass-kicking, ninja-conquering adventures!
In this history-adjacent extravaganza, it's clear that B.J. has truly outdone himself. Not only has he shown us all that you can indeed bring a kung-fu grip to a gunfight, but he's also reminded us that when it comes to saving the world, a little bit of style and a mystical medallion go a long way.
